People-pleasing, fawning, and codependency

People-pleasing looks like high empathy and low aggression. On the Persistence Ratio it is often the opposite: misallocated aggression plus empathy that raises dyadic \(\mathcal{D}_{KL}\).

The thermodynamic error

Cultures that treat “niceness” as virtue sometimes teach:

Suppress \(P_{in}\eta\) at the boundary → keep the peace.

But \(P_{in}\) is not destroyed. By Lemma 1 (dissipation constraint), if boundary work is not performed, the node consumes internal structure:

anxiety, rumination
somatic symptoms
depression
resentment (“anger turned inward”)

The “kiltti ihminen” (nice person) is not \(S = 0\) in the respect factorisation — they are a node burning \(\Phi\) to simulate peace.

FPE decomposition

Observation	Term
Cannot say no	Collapsed phasic \(P_{in}\eta\) on social blanket
Fear of conflict	Anticipated \(\Gamma\) spike; avoids short-term friction at long-term cost
Knows what they feel but hides it	Other-directed \(\mathcal{D}_{KL}\) — broadcast ≠ internal \(Q\)
Absorbs partner’s mood	Empathy without boundaries — pays others’ prediction errors on own ISM
Exhausted by “helping”	Rescuer geometry; see drama_triangle.md
Stays in harmful job/relationship	Loyalty without voice or exit when \(\Psi\) is toxic — see voice_exit_loyalty.md

Fawning (trauma response)

Fawning is people-pleasing under threat: maximise other’s model accuracy about their comfort while minimising own boundary signals. It can be the highest-\(\mathcal{D}_{KL}\), lowest-\(\Phi\) strategy available when \(\Psi\) (environment) is dangerous. Not a character flaw — a local optimum on \(\mathcal{R}\) when assertion predicts catastrophic \(\Gamma\).

Codependency

Codependency is coupled \(\mathcal{R}\) management: one agent’s numerator depends on fixing another’s denominator (or vice versa). Typical structure:

Agent A: low \(S\), high pseudo-\(T\) (“I understand you”)
Agent B: unstable \(S\), high \(\Gamma\)
System: high \(\Gamma\), rotating drama roles, both \(\Phi\) degrade

Why it feels moral

People-pleasing is reinforced because it lowers immediate \(\Gamma\) for the group:

Conflict avoided today
Rescuer praised today

The unresolved set \(C\) grows; marginal cost of the next conflict rises (\(2C-1\) geometry). The pleaser’s \(\mathcal{R}\) trends down over months.

Interruption

Reclaim aggression (numerator)

Tonic \(P_{in}\): sleep, nutrition, safety — see burnout_and_substrate.md
Phasic \(P_{in}\): small “no”s before the dam breaks
Raise \(\eta\): “When you interrupt, I pause the meeting” not “You’re rude”

Reclaim honesty (denominator)

Lower self-\(\mathcal{D}_{KL}\): “I am afraid of your anger” before “I’m happy to help.”
Stop placating: empathy must reduce joint model error, not hide it from the other.

Repair or exit

If partner punishes honesty with Persecutor moves, \(\Gamma\) may only fall via decoupling.

One-line summary

People-pleasing is not the absence of aggression; it is aggression turned against \(\Phi\) while performing empathy that increases relational \(\mathcal{D}_{KL}\).